


it's a new craze

by QueenWithABeeThrone



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comedian Richie Tozier, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, M/M, Podcast, The Roasting of Bill Denbrough, but the kind of friendship where you dedicate a podcast to making fun of their endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25973851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenWithABeeThrone/pseuds/QueenWithABeeThrone
Summary: EDDIE:[sighs]Okay, we oughta talk about our sponsors now.RICHIE:Fuck yeah!EDDIE:I’m so sorry to anyone listening. Especially to, uh, Squarespace. I tried my best to stop him but Richie would not take no for an answer.(Richie and Eddie Make A Podcast.)
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 27
Kudos: 255





	it's a new craze

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the MBMBAM theme song which I am told is "(It's A) Departure" by the Long Winters.

**What The Fuck Was That Ending?  
Episode 1: Misery by Bill Denbrough**

**EDDIE:** So we’re breaking this podcast in—

 **RICHIE:** —like we broke this table in—

 **EDDIE:** —shut up, Rich—with our friend Bill’s books. He’s a great writer, don’t get me wrong, but his endings tend to be somewhat lacking in comparison to most of his books.

 **RICHIE:** Bill, if you’re listening to this, they fucking suck, _compadre_. Skip out on that day in creative writing class?

 **EDDIE:** To go on a hot date, I’m sure.

 **RICHIE:** _[Bill Denbrough impression]_ Ah shit I think we were going to have a class about ending stories today—ohhhh my god _do that again but harder_ —

 **EDDIE:** He got married, so I think it was worth it. And if he hadn’t gone on that hot date this podcast would not have a reason to exist.

 **RICHIE:** Yeah, we’re just here to make fun of Bill’s endings. Although I will say I’m really hoping to talk shit about _Game of Thrones_ or _Westworld_ season 3, because what the fuck was that? What the fuck?

 **EDDIE:** Never saw it. _Westworld_ , I mean.

 **RICHIE:** The ending or—

 **EDDIE:** The whole thing. My ex was worried it would, uh, “upset my fragile constitution,” which, looking back: what.

 **RICHIE:** _[wheeze, high-pitched falsetto:]_ Eduardo, _mi amor_ , you can’t watch this show literally everyone is talking about because you’re _a delicate widdle flower_! If you see even a hint of blood you’ll pass out from blood loss!

 **EDDIE:** That’s rich coming from you, you ralphed at the new _Hellboy_.

 **RICHIE:** Only ‘cause they screwed it up so much.

 **EDDIE:** Folks, this guy talks a big game, but trust me, opening scene of _Hellboy_ , he just runs off to the bathroom and goes, _[fake puking noises]_.

 **RICHIE:** Because it sucked! Not even David Harbour was enough to save it!

 **EDDIE:** Yeah, and you missed like half the movie because you kept making excuses like a little pussy—

…

 **EDDIE:** So then he sees this kid, and a skunk, and the writer’s block that’s been plaguing him for the entire book just, suddenly, lifts?

 **RICHIE:** Inspiration comes from the weirdest places, okay, can’t fault Bill on that.

 **EDDIE:** He says with half a show written up.

 **RICHIE:** I’m waiting for a kid with a skunk.

 **EDDIE:** I can get you a skunk, but you’re going to keep ten feet away from me for a week, that thing is going to spray your face on first sight.

 **RICHIE:** Hey! You like my face, you said so!

 **EDDIE:** I like your face but when it smells like fucking skunk spray— _hey_ —

_[sounds of scuffling, Eddie swearing and Richie cooing fondly]_

**EDDIE:** —too fucking old for noogies Richie you _shithead_ —

 **RICHIE:** This is the price of dating me! No returns, bitch!

\--

**What The Fuck Was That Ending?  
Episode 2: Black Rapids by Bill Denbrough**

**RICHIE:** Soooo.

 **EDDIE:** Fun fact, Richie’s never read the book, he only ever saw the movie before I made him read the book for this podcast, and _that_? That was a way better ending.

 **RICHIE:** _Stupid alien teenagers._

 **EDDIE:** Right!? Jesus fucking _Christ_.

 **RICHIE:** Bill, sincerely, we love you, but also, what the _fuck_ , man? Just, what—what were you thinking? How _high_ were you when you were writing the last quarter of this book, and where can I get some of that?

 **EDDIE:** This was such a good book! This was legitimately terrifying, and then the ending just—just—

 **RICHIE:** Bill, Billy, Billy my boy, Billiam, listen to your oldest and bestest friend—

 **EDDIE:** —yeah fuckin’ right, I was there first—

 **RICHIE:** —your oldest, bestest, _coolest_ friend: the Pomeranian! Does not! Make! Any fucking sense! Why would the Pomeranian bring a gift for humanity? Why would someone then ruin that gift? Why did you write it like that person was completely at fault? Pomeranians don’t usually come from outer space with psychic abilities packaged in!

 **EDDIE:** Yeah, usually they’re vicious little bastards.

 **RICHIE:** Poms are fuckin’ monsters, that’s what they are. Take it from us. We encountered a Pomeranian once and the damn thing nearly ripped our faces off.

 **EDDIE:** It was adorable and then it turned into a fucking hellbeast from the black lagoon. God, the _teeth._

 **RICHIE:** The _claws_.

…

 **EDDIE:** _[sighs]_ Okay, we oughta talk about our sponsors now.

 **RICHIE:** Fuck yeah!

 **EDDIE:** I’m so sorry to anyone listening. Especially to, uh, Squarespace. I tried my best to stop him but Richie would not take no for an answer.

 **RICHIE:** _[adopting a Voice not unlike that of a strung-out gay club kid]_ If you want to create a website that looks like it was coded by the coked-up ghost of Liberace, look no further! Squarespace is the company for you. Created in 2011 by underwater web genius SquareBob Spacepants, Squarespace allows you to create whatever website your tripped-out acid-addled imagination can come up with, without having to sober up!

 **EDDIE:** _[quiet chuckle]_

 **RICHIE:** _[still going with the bit]_ This company has everything: Hot Topic-wearing mariachi leaders, TV scripts written by sleepless unpaid writers on their sixth cup of espresso, sad sassy ligers—

 **EDDIE:** Okay, I know ligers are the offspring of lions and tigers, but why are they sad and sassy?

 **RICHIE:** _[still in-character]_ Because they’re clinically depressed but they’re feisty as hell.

 **EDDIE:** Ohhhh-kay.

 **RICHIE:** _[having too much fun to break character now]_ And look who just walked in! Is that Jennifer Lopez? No, it’s a group of Iranians all named Tony!

 **EDDIE:** _[laughing now]_ Yeah. Squarespace, everyone.

 **RICHIE:** _[back to normal]_ Hey, Eds, we’ve got more than one sponsor this week, remember?

 **EDDIE:** Oh, yeah—we’re also being sponsored by Stitch Fix this week! For just a $20 styling fee, after you take a quick quiz on their site, you’ll get a box sent to you of clothes that fit your style as you’ve told them via the quiz, and guess what? It’s free shipping _and_ you can send back the clothes you don’t want!

 **RICHIE:** _[adopting a Vincent Price-like voice]_ Oh, yes, prepare yourself for the package that may very well _change your life as you know it._

 **EDDIE:** _Why_ are you doing Vincent Price for a clothes thing? What possible connection does Vincent Price have to fucking style?

 **RICHIE:** _[still doing the Voice]_ Because I have style! An impeccable and truly iconic style!

 **EDDIE:** _[quietly laughing]_

\--

**What The Fuck Was That Ending?  
Episode 5: The Stand by Bill Denbrough**

**RICHIE:** Welcome to _What the Fuck was That Ending?_ , the podcast where my fiancé and I roast the fuck out of Bill Denbrough’s endings. I’m Richie Tozier, soon to be Kaspbrak-Tozier—

 **EDDIE:** I’m Eddie Kaspbrak, soon to be Tozier-Kaspbrak. Why’s my name going first on your thing?

 **RICHIE:** ‘Cause it just—y’know, it just rolls off the tongue better. Sounds nicer.

 **EDDIE:** ...oh. Wait, you practiced?

 **RICHIE:** Yeah, I was—I was like thirteen or fourteen and _in love with you_ , I’d scribble little hearts and shit like “Mr. Richard Kaspbrak”—

 **EDDIE:** —that is actually really fucking cute—

 **RICHIE:** —and then the spirit of internalized homophobia would catch up with me and I’d stuff the page into my mouth and eat it.

 **EDDIE:** Oh my _god_.

 **RICHIE:** It tasted like regret and ink and paper!

 **EDDIE:** God, you know, my mom would like, come into my room sometimes if she ever suspected I was up to anything that she thought would be dangerous to me and mostly to our relationship to each other and she’d read my fucking journal—

 **RICHIE:** Like an insane person.

 **EDDIE:** —but like, she did it enough times that what I did was, I had a _decoy journal_. And I wrote shit about her soap operas and about how nice some teachers at school were and the fake crush I had on a cheerleader, which she _still_ disapproved of because of, of some weird-ass fucking reason? How short the cheerleader skirts were, I guess? But like, it wasn’t shit I really thought.

 **RICHIE:** Where’d you keep your actual journal, then?

 **EDDIE:** You’re gonna love this. I made Ben keep it for me.

 **RICHIE:** _Holy shit._

 **EDDIE:** I had to! I knew Ben would never even dare to take a peek, and _you_ were the subject of half the shit in it!

 **RICHIE:** Did you guys just, like, have meetings of the Derry chapter of the Pining Bastards Club in Ben’s room, or—

 **EDDIE:** God, shut _up_ , we haven’t even gotten to the rest of the intro yet—

…

 **EDDIE:** How many pages does this book have, Rich?

 **RICHIE:** So many that I could use it as a doorstop. Bill, the fuck, dude? What the fuck is this, Tolkien?

 **EDDIE:** Nerd.

 **RICHIE:** Like you don’t insist on watching the extended editions.

 **EDDIE:** _[teasing:]_ Fucking _nerd_. _[more seriously:]_ Anyway, this book has over 1400 pages, so you’d think, hey, the main characters, they do stuff that materially affects and drives the plot and the conflict, right? Right?

 **RICHIE:** Nope!

 **EDDIE:** The heroes barely do anything!

 **RICHIE:** They do like _one thing_ which is send the worst fucking set of spies behind enemy lines—

 **EDDIE:** Is it any surprise most of them get caught and killed? Is it? And get this, it’s not even anything they fucking did, it’s _the Hand of God_ that set off a nuclear bomb and kills off the villain’s forces! What the _fuck?_

 **RICHIE:** It’s over a thousand pages. I bet you at some point Bill just gave the fuck up and nuked the place because, well, _fuck it_ , y’know? There’s other books he could be writing right now!

 **EDDIE:** I went in expecting a conflict between good and evil in a post-apocalyptic world! I thought I’d have an epic psychic battle! Something!

 **RICHIE:** Didn’t he do something like that in like, _Homecoming Queen_? Maybe he didn’t want to repeat himself.

 **EDDIE:** That doesn’t count! Mary was the only real psychic in that entire book! _I was promised a fucking psychic battle, Richie._

 **RICHIE:** Did he like, sign a contract with you that said, _I, William Denbrough, promise to give Eddie Kaspbrak the epic fucking psychic battle he feels he richly deserves at the end of one thousand four hundred fucking pages_?

 **EDDIE:** Goddammit, he should have!

 **RICHIE:** See, there’s your problem, right there. Shoulda gotten a contract out, hired a lawyer. Y’know, like _[adopting a voice reminiscent of Phoenix Wright]_ _Hold it!_

 **EDDIE:** Okay, where the fuck is that voice from?

 **RICHIE:** Have you never fucking—of course you haven’t. Okay. Listen. Back in 2010 I was super fucking bored and someone mentioned this video game to me that was like, lawyers—

 **EDDIE:** There are video games about _lawyers?_

 **RICHIE:** There are two fucking video game trilogies about lawyers!

 **EDDIE:** You’re fucking with me.

 **RICHIE:** Hold on, hold up, I’m gonna google this—

\--

**What The Fuck Was That Ending?  
Episode 7: The Attic Room by Bill Denbrough**

**RICHIE:** Is it just me or does the main love interest remind you of somebody?

 **EDDIE:** Literally every redhead Bill writes reminds you of someone, you don’t have to read so much into it.

 **RICHIE:** I’m just saying! Does Bill know he’s just been writing Bev this whole time? Or Audra, I never could tell them apart.

 **EDDIE:** _[mock-scandalized]_ Richie!

 **RICHIE:** He has a type!

 **EDDIE:** He _and Mike_ have a type—

 **RICHIE:** Oh, no, Mike’s type is literally just people who’ll accompany him to weird places and make interested noises when he talks their ears off about, fuck, I dunno, crystals or some shit. That’s why he and Audra get along so well. Meanwhile, have you seen Bill’s dating record?

 **EDDIE:** No, and I do not want to fucking see it!

 **RICHIE:** I’m telling you, Bev and Mike _defined_ his type forever—

 **EDDIE:** Gordon, Rich. Fucking _Gordon_.

 **RICHIE:** Don’t bring my exes into this!

 **EDDIE:** Carl, Joey, that asshole with the stupid meta script about God or whatever whose name I can’t be bothered to remember, Frankie, Miles, Christopher, your old manager Steve, goddamn _Julian_ —

 **RICHIE:** _[wheezing]_ I didn’t think you’d notice!

 **EDDIE:** They were all average-height assholes! With fucking—brown eyes and dark hair! People who live in glass houses should maybe not throw stones!

 **RICHIE:** Baby, I was looking for _you_.

 **EDDIE:** ...me too.

 **RICHIE:** Plus, Julian did not suck dick as well as you do.

 **EDDIE:** ‘Scuse me, listeners, I need to strangle my boyfriend for a moment—

…

 **EDDIE:** Okay, controversial opinion.

 **RICHIE:** Twitter calls it a hot take now.

 **EDDIE:** I’m not calling it that, Twitter is a fucking cesspool. Okay. I—actually did not hate this ending?

 **RICHIE:** _[exaggeratedly offended]_ Oh my god. _How dare you._ I’m breaking up with you! I can’t believe you, Eds!

 **EDDIE:** _[laughing]_ I liked it! I thought he foreshadowed it pretty well, with the dream motifs and themes of doubting reality and gaslighting, and all. Like, of course the villain isn’t who you thought it would be, and of course the narrator’s more unreliable than you thought.

 **RICHIE:** I thought it was a stupid M. Night Shyamalan bullshit twist, frankly. _Oooh, the police officer and the villain were different personalities of the narrator’s after all!_ That’s just such a cheap cop-out. Multiple personalities are clichéd, these days. They’re right up there with the “it’s all just a dream” ending.

 **EDDIE:** Now that, I would’ve absolutely hated. Especially if they add that “or is it?” bit at the end. Like, fuck you, commit, assholes!

 **RICHIE:** Exactly!

 **EDDIE:** But like, I thought with this one he did pretty well, and I’m pissed they changed it for the movie. Like, fuck that movie. The ending tied all the themes and arcs and motifs together in the novel and the movie was just like, _fuck all of that, here’s a gripping action sequence you don’t give a shit about!_

 **RICHIE:** Hey, I liked the action sequence. Very clever way to stitch the cuts together so it’d look like it got filmed all in one take.

 **EDDIE:** That was just gimmicky and you know it.

 **RICHIE:** Oh, and the multiple personalities weren’t?

 **EDDIE:** Yes!

 **RICHIE:** You’re just mad they didn’t keep the super-trippy bit where the personalities insult each other to death.

 **EDDIE:** It was thematically significant!

…

 **RICHIE:** Hey, you’re famous now, by the way.

 **EDDIE:** Only by association.

 **RICHIE:** No, like, legit famous. Somebody went up to me the other day and they told me they liked this podcast.

 **EDDIE:** Holy shit.

 **RICHIE:** Yeah! People like us! More specifically people like _you_ , the kid said you were refreshingly funny.

 **EDDIE:** Seriously? I’m—I’m not that funny. I just say whatever the fuck comes to mind and I try to make you laugh.

 **RICHIE:** You make other people laugh too. I think it’s pretty swell.

 **EDDIE:** Does this mean I get to come after your job now?

 **RICHIE:** Only if I can come after yours. I’m fucking amazing at Math—straight A’s all the way through high school. Can’t be too hard to figure out how to analyze some risks.

 **EDDIE:** You’d shrivel up and die of being ignored in a corporate environment.

 **RICHIE:** Or I could be the next Wolf of Wall Street! Whaddaya think?

 **EDDIE:** I knew your Leonardo diCaprio obsession was gonna fuck us all over. I knew it.

\--

**What The Fuck Was That Ending?  
Episode 8: Mail Call**

**RICHIE:** Love this for us. Love that we have so much fucking fan mail that we need to dedicate _a whole fucking episode_ to it. Holy shit.

 **EDDIE:** _[faintly]_ This is fucking insane. Rich. _Richie._

 **RICHIE:** We super did not expect this podcast to be _this_ popular. Guys, I think you broke Eddie a little bit when he opened the inbox.

 **EDDIE:** I’m just gonna—I’m just gonna click at random and _holy shit someone sent us art?_

 **RICHIE:** What? _What?!_ Holy fuck—oh my god! This is the best thing! Someone immortalized your epic psychic battle quote!

 **EDDIE:** Oh my god. Oh my _god._

 **RICHIE:** You okay? You need a break?

 **EDDIE:** I’m fine! I’m fine, I don’t even need the inhaler or anything. I’m just processing. Holy shit, people make art about us? About the random shit we just toss out there?

 **RICHIE:** They make shit about the _My Favorite Murder_ ladies, Eds, we’re just the hip new thing in town. Hi, Karen and Georgia. Watch out, murder ladies, the shitty book club gays are _coming for your top spot_.

 **EDDIE:** _[laughing, a little shocked]_ Oh god, is that what we are? Are we a fucking _book club_ now? Are we book club gay people?

 **RICHIE:** _[thoughtful pause]_ Fuck me, Eddie, you’re right.

 **EDDIE:** Yeah, well, not _now_.

 **RICHIE:** _[hyena-like cackling]_

…

 **EDDIE:** Hey, listen to this one. _[Clearing his throat.]_ _Dear Richie._

 **RICHIE:** _[deep Voice, not unlike Patrick Page from Hadestown]_ Oh, it’s about me.

 **EDDIE:** _Hi! You don’t know me, but I’ve been a huge fan of yours since_ —oh, boy— _I first heard you play Big Gay Al on South Park._

 **RICHIE:** Oh my god, South Park, I remember that. The original voice actor for Big Gay Al, he came down with a pretty bad cold on recording day, so they ended up hiring me and I did such a good job they just kept doing it.

 **EDDIE:** I didn’t know it was you! And I made a hobby out of following your career. Don’t look at me like that, Jesus—anyway. _Your special Street Lover, however, was what really kicked me in the pants to come out to my parents as a woman. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I wouldn’t have had the courage to do it if I hadn’t seen Street Lover. It took them a little bit to come around, but now they’re the most supportive parents I could’ve ever asked for._

 **RICHIE:** _[sniffling noises]_

 **EDDIE:** _I found out about your podcast very recently, and I love hearing you and your boyfriend bicker lovingly over Bill Denbrough’s endings. You guys have something very special between you that most people can only hope to have, and I one day want to have a love like yours._ Jesus Christ, I think I’m gonna cry reading more of this.

 **RICHIE:** Keep going, I can’t be the only person fucking crying like a girl watching _Titanic_ here!

 **EDDIE:** _You’ve been an inspiration to me, and you and Eddie are such hashtag relationship goals, and I want you to know that because of you, I’m now doing stand-up comedy as well. Thank you so much, Mr. Tozier, for everything you’ve indirectly done for me. Yours, Dany._

_[Sniffling noises in the studio continue for a few moments. Clearly, both Richie and Eddie have been more affected by this than they thought they would be.]_

**RICHIE:** _[still sniffling]_ Wait, Dany as in _Daenerys_? What a—What a fucking nerd. Everyone knows _Brienne_ is the coolest person in Westeros.

 **EDDIE:** _[sniffling and also chuckling]_ God, you dick.

 **RICHIE:** But seriously, though—thanks, Dany. Really. I never—I never thought of myself as _brave_ , y’know? And now you’re telling me that _I_ gave you the courage to come out and—I don’t know. I don’t know, I feel all weird and fluttery and shit inside. Is this what being a good person is like? Is this what being a role model is like?

 **EDDIE:** I really hope she comes out with better jokes than you did, though. There’s resting on the shoulders of giants and then there’s making the same tired your mom joke that you’ve been making since we were thirteen.

 **RICHIE:** You love it, Eds. So does your mom.

…

 **EDDIE:** This one’s from Twitter, and it’s from—oh, no. The handle’s Cary Ripton but misspelled, I think they swapped out the p for a q and added an s, so it’s caryriqtons.

 **RICHIE:** Oh, shit. Another Denbrough fan.

 **EDDIE:** _@RealRichTozier and bf, dunk on someone else for once. We know Bill D’s books have shitty endings! Plenty of other books and shows do too! Do those._

 **RICHIE:** I like that this kid just calls you bee-eff.

 **EDDIE:** I have a _name_.

 **RICHIE:** Yeah, it’s Spagheddie.

 **EDDIE:** Keep that up and you’re sleeping on the couch. Anyway, listen, it’s fine, Bill knows we’re doing this. In fact he dared us to do this. He said, and I’m quoting verbatim here, “You can’t go six episodes with just my books, there’s only five endings that aren’t that good.” And, well. Here we are.

 **RICHIE:** All our friends think we’re hilarious ‘cause we made a whole podcast just to roast the shit out of Bill. Bill thinks we’re assholes because guess what! We made seven episodes straight about his works!

 **EDDIE:** Which we love. We’re just roasting because he’s our friend, and we love him.

 **RICHIE:** We’re trying to gently bully him into writing a good ending for once. I think it’s working, personally. Audra got to read his new book and she says it’s not too bad, and Mike’s got nothing but rave reviews for it.

 **EDDIE:** Audra and Mike are in love with him, they’re not fucking objective.

 **RICHIE:** I think that might technically disqualify both of us and also our entire friend group, because we all used to be a little bit in love with Bill.

 **EDDIE:** I was not!

 **RICHIE:** Remember when we were kids, and you were ready to fight a five-year-old boy for his own brother, because you thought Georgie was super fucking lame—your words, not mine—

 **EDDIE:** Jesus Christ—

 **RICHIE:** —and when Bill got pissed at you, you cried? Full-on _bawling_. We were like, ten, eleven years old, and you were just crying, and Georgie was crying, and Bill was crying, and Stan and I were the two dumbasses trying to pretend neither of us knew any of you crying pussies.

 **EDDIE:** That doesn’t mean I was in love with him!

 **RICHIE:** You thought you weren’t gonna be friends anymore. You were fucking inconsolable even when I said I’d let you have first crack at Wolverine.

 **EDDIE:** I mean—okay, so maybe I kinda liked Bill, a lot, okay?

 **RICHIE:** See, was it so hard to admit? Anyway, I’m not jealous, I was totally in love with him too.

 **EDDIE:** You punched him in the face one time.

 **RICHIE:** After you broke your arm ‘cause of his bad ideas. I was always a little more in love with you.

 **EDDIE:** _[with deep, unfathomable fondness]_ … _Rich._

_[the sound of chairs scraping back, and ten seconds of kissing, before:]_

**RICHIE:** —oh, shit, hang on. Ad break time.

 **EDDIE:** Oh, right, yeah, that—

_[fumbling, clattering, a soft laugh, before the show goes to ad break.]_


End file.
